i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
