No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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