apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
