My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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