I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
