He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
