mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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