Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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