well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
