i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dignity is for republicans.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
