Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
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Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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