What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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