I think my fart just growled at me.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My dick has a subreddit
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
