While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
me + whiskey = a bad person
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think people are normalizing furries
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
