I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
