I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
