I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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