Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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