for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize