Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
