I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
