Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
