I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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