I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
