Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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