Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Did you just see the Batmobile???
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.