I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
