i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
