you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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