When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
