I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
