You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
