my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
