Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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