i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
