seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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