Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I have demons in me.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
