This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
