and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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