She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
