I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
