dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
