I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
