At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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