I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
its not stalking. its research.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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