just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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