Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
