I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
