you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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