that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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