mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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