What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
