I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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