i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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