She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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