nut hugger
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
