she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
