The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
