I met the friendliest cop last night
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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