I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
