The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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