1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
